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Parenting With Protocol
by Deborah Wakeham
As printed in the Winter 2007 issue of Island Child


With the fall season having now set in, I have lost that summertime relaxed state of mind and have become refocused on a routine. This routine includes being on top of proper behaviour. It seems that over the summer, we all tend to relax our standards, we bend the rules and become more…casual. 

Let the sound of the school bell ringing act as a perfect reminder to help bring the teaching of good manners to your children back into your everyday routine. Parents and teachers often spend a tremendous amount of time teaching young children that interruptions are impolite – “raise your hand”, “please, wait your turn”. 

Demonstrate and teach your children how to politely interrupt a conversation. Teach children that they must only interrupt for a valid or important reason; children must learn to think of the needs of others and not just their own personal needs. When wishing to interrupt a conversation, have your children stand quietly and face the person who they wish to speak to – don’t speak, tug their sleeve or jump around, just stand quietly. Once there is a brief pause in the conversation, have your child make eye contact with the person and state “excuse me”.

Teaching children how to politely interrupt a conversation is part of teaching children care and consideration for others. 

Squabbling Siblings
by Donna Draper
as printed in the Winter 2007 issue of Island Child


It’s her fault! No - he did it! Oh dear… you are sitting on your brother again… Now what?

We know that children adapt and build on previous experiences, which in turn determine their reactions and adaptations as they grow up – waiting until they are older to learn positive conflict resolution skills is simply too late. Firm boundaries and posted rules (in the most concise form) will make it easy to refer back to the rules of the house. ie a rule is that ‘we do not hurt one another’…or ‘we do not use words like that in our family’. Have you ever noticed that your child will act more lovingly towards you after the enforcement of boundaries? It is as if they subconsciously realize that we have taken the time to enforce the rules (respectfully and solidly) because we care about them. 

As Ada Alden quotes “Children do not need parents who are friends: they need parents who are friendly.” You may wonder what does this discipline/behaviour mantra have to do with sibling fighting, aggressive play and jealousy? Everything!

If you are able to notice your reaction that is half the battle although a battle is what we are trying to deflect. Is it possible that we parents may provide the arena and that they are truly enjoying the ruckus of poking, prodding, smacking, and name calling? Certainly not at the point where someone gets hurt and tears ensue…but to some degree our reactions may be fuelling the fire that could have been put out before it started. 

To be aware and learn the early signs of escalation for your particular children can enable you to better act and distract. Perhaps a big happy bubble bath would work right about now; or… how about Play Dough Mountains with farm animals for good measure. Silly actions can lighten up the mood and well-placed humour is a great way to change the tone. Think up some interventions for your own personal family toolbox. The alternative is heightened emotional states: yours and the kids! It is hard to deal with them when you are angry and stressed and perhaps not feeling very reasonable. The problem becomes emotionally larger. When one sibling provokes a sibling and the other reacts- who gets caught? What happens? Is “anger” handing out a consequence or is “reason” giving a well thought-out response focused on changing the behaviours without blame. 

Do you ever see a parent shame a child? Statements such as: “How could you?” “What’s the matter with you?” Shame goes to a deep place and once placed is difficult to remove. A side effect of shame may become resentment. How can a loving connection exist if there is resentment present? Parents can also become resentful when there is a child that is spirited and challenging: on a daily basis patience runs thin. Parents can benefit from community support; parent support circles, playgroups, parenting courses, places that hold space for gaining insight for fresh approaches in communicating with kids. 

Supporting children to make amends to another when there has been a hurtful action is helpful in teaching about self-responsibility. Ask the child for input into some ideas about the amends and then encourage the child to choose the best one.

When communicating with your child these words disable clear respectful communication:

• But - it negates what has been said. Try saying and instead or losing the second phrase altogether.
• You - sounds accusatory
• Why - not really asking for information and there could be underlying destructive anger. Instead use... “Can you tell me what was going on when…”
• Should, ought, must, you have - triggers hostility
• You must, You have to - the reaction will be defiant defensive reactions
• I know how you feel - this is simply impossible to know how another feels. 
Instead, “If I were in your shoes, I would be very scared, worried, etc…” Take the time to really ponder how the child might feel.

Lastly, parents do not have to be right - admitting you are wrong makes you less fallible and more real. And…a coffee can taste pretty good while you relax and watch the results of your successful Intervention!

And Bully Finds a Target
By Donna Draper
as printed in the Fall 2007 issue of Island Child 

Tammy, 6 years old can only wander in certain areas at school. Ever since Christmas, a grade 7 girl, Liz has been terrorizing her-promising to hurt her if she doesn’t do what she says. Her tormenter told her to stay away from the special corner that her grade one friends played at in the courtyard.

Tammy was isolated; she couldn’t play with her classmates at recess or lunch since she was hiding in a bathroom, standing on a toilet seat with the door locked so she would feel safer. After a long 2 months, Tammy’s mother pried the secret out of her and towed her off to see the principal. Her troubles were over, Liz made restitution and Tammy’s life returned to normal. She felt an enormous burden lifted from her and was glad to be free at last…

We watch our kids play - innocent yet vulnerable. Although hard to imagine, one day they may be in conflict with another. We cannot promise them that no one will ever harm them. Obviously, kids go through some normal bumps within their relationships – disagreements and even endings to friendships. An awareness of the signs would be helpful in determining if a situation warrants worry and attention: to recognize if bullying is present. Keeping an open warm dialogue, will better-equip parents to determine if a child becomes fearful at daycare, preschool or school. If it happens, try to get to the root of the problem. Maintain a calm demeanour though, as hysteria will increase the child’s anxiety.

Some signs of bullying may be:
· Refusing to go without a fuss to daycare, preschool, or school
· Torn clothes, ruined toys, and or bruises
· Constant complaints of feeling sick
· Changes in eating and cleanliness and sleep habits
· Moodiness
· Difficulty with friends
· Decreased enjoyment for things they used to love such as playing outside, visiting the park or walking the dog

The next step would be a visit with the head of the organization. Respectfully and assertively inquire as to how your child may feel safe in the immediate future and what is the plan to address the issue. Compassion and sensitivity: important elements when dealing with these situations. A child must always understand that they do not deserve this treatment.

Please note that if this is an older child, they should be consulted so they may attain some control within the situation. 

If the impact is severe, a specialized counsellor may be required so the child may start to heal and learn life coping skills. Victimization creates challenges for self-esteem and repeated bullying over the years can result in Post Duress Stress disorder: similar to PTSD. Symptoms include: panic attacks, anger, sleeplessness, nightmares and hypersensitivity. 

Many preconceived conceptions exist regarding what bullying is:
· Kids will grow out of it and it’s a normal part of growing up
· Just friendly teasing
· Accidental or just an argument between friends
Bullying is none of these things. 

Characteristics of bullying:
· Intense and long in duration
· Generally repeated over time (not just once)
· Intentionally harming
· Hurting behaviour: physical or verbal that is based on discrimination i.e. Culture, appearance, religion, food choices, disability, or family economics
· Imbalance of power, i.e. older or in position of authority.
· others may be watching or assisting bully

Noticing how a child and their peers are reacting to play is an indication as to how they may be when in conflict. The key to reducing physical and manipulative factors is to start at an early age modeling solid and appropriate reactions to disappointments and anger.

Donna Draper is a Prevention Educator with CASE-Community Abuse and Safety Education
Bullying Prevention, Child Maltreatment Prevention

Daily Do’s of Discipline
By Dr. Glen Ward
as printed in the Spring 2007 issue of Island Child

Q: My children, ages 2 and 4, can be a handful and I often have a hard time disciplining them. Are some forms of discipline more effective than others? What is the best way to discipline them?

Disciplining a child is one of the most important roles of a parent, and perhaps one of the most difficult, but healthy discipline is part of a comforting family environment. Effective discipline at home provides a foundation for self-discipline throughout life. It will help your children grow up to be happy and well-adjusted. Effective and positive discipline will teach and guide them, and not just force them to obey. How children should be disciplined depends on their age, stage of development, personality and many other factors, but there are some basic principles to help guide you. Discipline can help protect your children from danger. It teaches them self-control and self-discipline, a sense of responsibility, and helps to instill values. The Canadian Paediatric Society strongly discourages the use of physical punishment on children, including spanking.

The keys to effective discipline include:

• Respect: Children should be able to respect their parents’ authority and also the rights of other people. Discipline that is harsh, such as name-calling, shouting and humiliating, will make it difficult for a child to respect and trust a mother or father. 

• Consistency: Discipline that is not consistent is confusing to children, no matter how old they are. Inconsistency, such as sometimes giving in to tantrums, can also reward children for these unwanted behaviours and make it more likely that they will be repeated. Remember to follow through with your discipline. When you warn your children of the consequences for improper behaviour, make sure you carry through with it, should the behavior continue. 

• Fairness: Children need to see discipline as being fair. The consequences of their actions should be related to the importance of their misbehavior. For example, if your child throws food on the floor, make sure he helps you clean up the mess. Insist that this be completed before he does something else. When the mess is cleaned up, the consequence is over. 

• You: As a parent, you have a unique bond with your child. If you teach your child that discipline means respect, and make sure that you are consistent and fair, the positive benefits that this will have on your child will be long lasting.

Here are some tips on how to prevent behaviour problems:

• Give your children many opportunities for physical activity and exercise. Some children need to run off some of their energy. 

• Give them a couple of choices about what to do. Instead of saying “No”, give them something more interesting to do. This is called distraction or redirection. 

• Make sure they have toys that are right for their age. 

• Become familiar with behaviour that is appropriate for your child’s age. 

• Prioritize the rules that you do make. Give top priority to safety, then to correcting behaviour that harms people and property, then to behaviour such as whining, temper tantrums and interrupting. Concentrate on two or three rules at first. 

• If your child is tired and cranky, be understanding and calm when you help to settle her down. 

• Ignore little things. Before you raise your voice, ask yourself, “Is this important?” 
You can promote good behaviour by: Praising your children for good behaviour.

• Spending time alone with each child each day. 
• Being comforting and giving hugs, cuddles or a gentle pat on the back. 
• Respecting their feelings if they are sad or angry. 
• Doing things that are fun. 
• Keeping promises. It is important that children trust their parents, as they will want you to trust them, too. 

Parenting With Protocol
By Deborah Wakeham
as printed in the Spring 2007 issue of Island Child

Q. We want to teach our children the importance of keeping a neat appearance. 
How can we start the process and avoid nagging?

A. Part of being a well mannered individual means that you give care and consideration not only to others but also to yourself. Ensure that your lessons in good manners include teaching your children the importance of self-respect.

A wonderful exercise to teach your child is one that I refer to as the “top to bottom check”. Rather than being frustrated over untied shoes and shirts that are left untucked, teach your child to check over their appearance from top to bottom several times each day. After getting dressed, before leaving the house and after taking a nap simply encourage your child to run a check from top to bottom. Together with your child, check to ensure their collar is flattened, sleeves rolled and adjusted, top tucked in, zippers zipped, buttons buttoned and socks pulled up. Let your child assist you with your top to bottom check – make it a fun and playful exercise by conducting the top to bottom check together! 

Encourage older children to be “clothes minded” that is, to select and wear clothing that is appropriate. Before dressing ask…. “Where am I going, what will I be doing and, who will I see?” Most children agree that it would be inappropriate to wear a bathing suit to the shopping mall and to wear pajamas to the soccer field! Being “clothes minded” means that we think about the day and select attire that is most appropriate. 

And finally, be sure to comment about your child’s neat and tidy appearance – praise and practice will help to enforce the importance of this exercise in self-respect. 

Parenting With Protocol
By Deborah Wakeham, Etiquette Advisor
as printed in the October/November 2006 issue of Island Child

Whether we realize it or not, children really do listen to their parents. They believe that we have the answers to the world’s strangest questions. However, it is important not to forget that during those everyday moments when we are not necessarily communicating to them but rather to others around them, our children are absorbing our words and actions. That is why, as parents, we must behave politely. Civility must become a part of our everyday life if we expect our children to grow up well-mannered. As parents, if we are consistently polite and respectful, our children will mirror our behavior and exhibit these fine traits.

Q. When accepting a gift in front of the gift-giver, what should you do and say if the gift you receive is a gift that you already have? And even more importantly, what do you do in the case of younger children who you can’t keep from saying that they already have the same thing? 

A. If the gift is sentimental in value it is best to graciously accept it and keep it. However, if the gift is significant in dollar value but low in sentimental value it is best to speak up. 
“Thank you for this gift, I love this so much that I recently bought the same piece – if you wouldn’t mind, I would like to exchange this for another.” When it comes to children, I recommend speaking to them in advance. Explain to children that these things happen and that it is always best to be polite and honest. “Thank you for this gift, I have this already and I really love it.” In most cases, the gift-giver will step in and suggest an exchange. If not, simply hold on to the gift and use it later or share it with someone else. 

Q. Our neighbor arrived unannounced at our front door with an arrangement of flowers and card in hand to congratulate us on the arrival of our new baby. Should we have invited the neighbor in for a visit?

A. Unexpected company is a sweet surprise but often comes at the worst time. Your neighbors are sure to understand that with the arrival of a new baby, rest is critical and the scheduling of naps, feeding, laundry and bathing are still work-in-progress. Sincerely thank your neighbor for their thoughtfulness and indicate that you would like to invite them over at a later date to meet the new baby. Be sure to follow up not only with the invite but also with a hand-written card to thank them for the flowers and wishes.

More fresh advice about modern etiquette is available by visiting www.lemonsoup.ca.