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Is There Sex After Motherhood?
By Susan Peach
as printed in the Fall 2008 issue of Island Child
If you are like many new moms, your sex life may have undergone some changes since the birth of your baby, especially if this is your first child. Sleepless nights, the added responsibilities, as well as hormonal adjustments can all contribute to a lack of sexual desire on the part of a new mom.
Many women also struggle with the apparent conflict between motherhood and sex. You may find it difficult to see yourself as a sexual being when you spend your days nursing the baby, changing dirty diapers, and planning how you are going to make it out of your pyjamas before supper time! It is wise to remember though, that while you may be preoccupied with baby care, your partner may be feeling left out of the new family relationship. And if you do not make an effort to spend time alone with your partner, he can feel even more left out. As a new mom you definitely have needs but so does your partner. If you are to maintain a healthy relationship, you both need to work at letting each other know what you need, and be willing to work together to make sure each of you gets it.
But what do you do when more sex tops his list of needs but it has fallen off the bottom of your list altogether? One of the most important things you can do is realize that you may actually need to put some effort into reactivating your sex drive. What with raging hormones, a body that you may hardly recognize, and the constant preoccupation with all things baby, you may need to make a conscious decision to take action on the issue. Literally.
Believe it or not, getting active - as in exercise - is one of the best things you can do for yourself, and for your sex life as a new mom. Regular moderate exercise has many other benefits of course, but it is interesting that all of these benefits can contribute in some way to improving your desire for, and your enjoyment of, the more intimate side of your relationship.
It is pretty safe to say that motherhood usually adds stress to a woman’s life, and it is well known that most women just do not feel sexy when they’re stressed. In fact, being in a constant state of stress can definitely lead to lowered sex drive for women. So it is important to your relationship that you learn to manage your stress level. The good news is that exercise is one of the healthiest and easiest ways to do that. Something as simple as a daily walk can improve your outlook in general, and help you feel more relaxed in the bedroom too. Exercising moderately and regularly will also give you more energy. When you move your body and use your muscles, you build up strength and stamina that will help you keep up with the rest of your busy life. And if you are exercising regularly this should include your sex life too! That’s because research shows that people who exercise generally have more sex than inactive people, and their enjoyment is greater too.
Finally, you will feel better about yourself when you exercise. Not only will you be taking the time to do something special just for you, you will also be getting back in shape in the process. And there is no better boost to a new mom’s self esteem than the day she can fit back into her pre-pregnancy clothes! As well, while you are out exercising, your body is busy releasing endorphins into your system. These are the body’s natural “feel good” chemicals and they have an amazing ability to improve your mood (or maybe even put you in one!).
When it comes to exercise, the main thing is to choose an activity you enjoy. Whether it is a relaxing swim while a neighbor’s teen minds the baby at poolside, a rousing game of tennis with baby snoozing on the shady sidelines (and well protected from any wayward balls of course!), or a brisk walk with another new mom, there are lots of creative ways to get or stay active with baby.
As a dance teacher, of course my favorite activity is dancing with baby. Not only is it good exercise and a de-stresser for mom, dancing will often put baby to sleep as well. If you do the math on this, you will discover that one stress-free mom who has been exercising regularly, plus one sleeping baby, equals a great opportunity for mom to get reacquainted with her partner and her sex life!
Embracing Self Care
By Catherine Quaglia
as printed in the Summer 2008 issue of Island Child
When I had my first child four years ago, I remember sitting in the community health nurse’s office. She was asking about my adjustment to life with a new baby and very little sleep. After a long, honest conversation, she said something to me that I have never forgotten: “When an airplane is about to crash, and the oxygen masks fall down, what do they always tell mothers to do? They tell us to put on our own mask first and then put on our child’s. If we do not put ourselves first, we risk not being able to care for our children.” She reminded me that when you are caring for a new baby or child of any age, we must first care for ourselves, thus expanding our capacity to care for our children and modeling for them a life of balance.
In a world where we often connect being a “good mother” with self-sacrifice, always putting others’ needs before our own, the term self-care may feel like a foreign one. Recently a friend with two children was having trouble coping due to lack of sleep. When I offered to look after her children so she could take a few hours for herself, she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, “I wouldn’t even know what to do with myself.” She is not alone in this sentiment. Many mothers feel a distance from activities that were once a regular part of their lives. Perhaps the first step in moving towards a life rich with self-care is to begin to reconnect with who you were before you had children. Perhaps you were a musician, reader, athlete, knitter; whatever it might be, returning to that place where you felt alive in yourself is a great starting point. Consider taking an hour or two this week to re-engage in an activity that you have set aside since becoming a mother.
For others, self-care might mean something as basic as taking a shower in the morning, asking for help with the children so you can have a nap, being gentle with yourself, or ordering take-out instead of cooking. It is important to remind each other, and ourselves, that self-care is not about self-indulgence, it is about self-preservation. Once we begin to make this a daily practice, we feed our souls so that we can in turn care for others with a full heart. By honoring ourselves, we teach our children that we as women and mothers have value, just as they do. Consider this month what would self-care mean for you and give yourself that much needed and well deserved oxygen.
The Balanced Mom – Fact or Fiction?
by Lesley Spencer
as printed in the Fall 2007 issue of Island Child
It’s a pretty well known fact: Moms are pulled in many directions and their to-do list is never completely crossed off. There’s the kids, the husband, the house, the appointments and on and on. It’s an intensive job that requires time management and organization to ensure that everything gets done and there’s still enough time to spend enjoying your family.
Here are some tips to help find balance:
· Use a calendar to stay organized and keep track of home, school and work activities and appointments here. It may work best to use a desk calendar that you can take with you as well as set calendar reminders in a program such as Outlook to remind you of certain repeating activities, practices, birthdays, bills to pay, etc.
· Be a team. Ask for help when needed. Perhaps one week you can be in charge of homework or baths and the next week your spouse can.
· Let go of guilt and know that you cannot possibly do everything. Whether you need to hire a housekeeper, order take out or say no to a volunteer request, know that you are doing what’s best for you and your family by not overextending yourself.
· Schedule a weekly date with your spouse as well as individual time with your kids. Also make time for yourself. Do not let one area of your life dominate the rest.
· Use your evening time wisely. Instead of plopping down in front of the TV, go on a long walk with your spouse and/or your kids. Have a picnic dinner in the backyard. Play a game or do something that enables you to really connect with your family.
· Be a smart shopper and meal planner. Buy cookbooks with quick, healthy meals or meals that you can double and freeze for another night. No need to do it all every night.
· Know that you can always adjust and change your options. If the choices that were right for you last year are not as good this year, reconsider and re-evaluate all of your options.
· Stay flexible. Just as your children grow and your marriage matures, your individual, career, family and marriage needs will also grow, change and develop. Stay open to changes and realize that growing with each of these areas will be fresh, exciting, challenging and probably at times, frustrating and tiring.
· If you work, remember in the end it is not going to matter how much you dazzled your clients or employer with long hours if you miss out on treasured moments with your children and your spouse.
· Do what’s best for you and your family. Don’t allow others to dictate what the best options are.
With these tips and your own tried-and-true ones, you will find that being a balanced mom is not fiction. It truly can be fact. It just takes planning, delegating, flexibility, a positive attitude and some great organization.
Copyright HBWM.com, Inc. 2007
Lesley Spencer Pyle is founder & director of HBWM.com, Inc (Home-Based Working Moms™), a professional association and online community of parents who work from home and those who would like to. She is also the author of The Work-at-Home Workbook, columnist with WomenEntrepreneur.com, a Clubmom Work from Home Expert, a contributor to DrLaura.com and is also featured on DrPhil.com. She lives in Houston with her husband and three children.
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